Great article! And fun fact: Martin Luther of the Protestant Reformation said, "I cannot in good conscience prohibit polygamy, for the Bible itself does not. " This applies to other form of polyam too, Luther was being asked specifically about polygamy when he uttered the quote. First encountering this quote sent me to research the scripture for all passages which could support or denounce this claim. Ultimately, I found him to be correct. I did not know the impact this would have on my life until about a decade later, when my wife and I wound up discussing polyamory further. She wanted to date a high school crush who reentered her life, and I my best female friend. Now we have a sort of chain for a polycule!
It’s been a help reading your content and I have struggled immensely with these thoughts and feelings I cannot shake. I spend time in my Bible almost every day, I pray and grew up in church. My belief system has evolved over time and I have found that I truly love other people outside of my marriage to my husband. I have been unfaithful and he knows and we are trying to work through things. I long for the freedom to have relationships outside of my marriage. I find a great deal of happiness being friends or lovers with others. And I do not wish to live a lie. I absolutely hate lying…it rips me apart. But I feel very confined and caged in my current state, have been doing a lot of self work, healing, and learning to love myself and try not to judge others or myself for that matter (as I have in the past). I’ve grown up with a lot of shame even when I did nothing to deserve it. But I find that living a lie is too much for me. I’m an artist and want to be able to express myself through my art but have felt stifled by my fundamentalist upbringing. My husband is a bit jealous and that’s okay but also possessive. I do not wish to be like an object and possess and I don’t want to have those feelings towards someone else. I do want meaningful connections with others, not just random sex, in this realm. But I’m scared as hell to bring up this subject to him. We do have a couple friend who is polyamorous and we will be hanging out with them tonight. Although we haven’t discussed the idea of opening up our marriage I’m hoping that being around them might open our eyes a little to this lifestyle, it’s pros and cons, and maybe I can open the discussion with him, and explore this option. We have two kids, who I’m very open with and they are amazing. And coming across your articles has been a God send to say the least. I’ve always felt that if something was a mutual agreement between two people then it should be okay. And I’ve also been outspoken about issues in the church I don’t agree with or feel don’t align with scripture. So I’m not naive to what might be thrown at me but it’s damn scary entering this space, when you been taught differently your whole life, but in the meantime see many of your church friends and family getting divorces and remarried…is this just another form of polyamory being masked by what is considered acceptable?
If a horny man and his horny bisexual wife want a woman to share and the sex is probably the primary factor in that, what would be wrong with that if the third woman wants it too? I'm sure there are plenty of bi women who would like that. If there's no deception or misleading going on, why is it inherently disrespectful to seek sexual satisfaction with someone while they're seeking the same from you ("mutual benefit)? Personally, I like relationships that could be great and seem worth sustaining whether they only involved sex OR included no sex--that's how you know you're a great match all-around. But of course sex will be an important aspect of the relationship.
Hi Jennifer. Thank you so much for your courage and candor. It can't be easy to share this hard-earned knowledge, especially the missteps during dating and the pain around break-ups. I found the part about STIs to be particularly helpful. I like the way you sum-up a range of risks and a spectrum of precautions, and depending on the tolerances, priorities and preferences of all concerned, there can be different approaches between partners and still a sense of fairness.
I'm a recovering Roman Catholic, and I've struggled mightily with some of the tough questions associated with multi-person romantic relations, especially when bisexual feelings arise. Your anti-adultery advice is well-taken, a good starting proposition: don't do it, don't risk hurting a spouse you claim to love. At the same time, I've seen a tense situation up-close, where a married male friend wanted to 'try a guy', he talked to his wife, she wasn't cool with it, and he felt torn in two. Was she being homophobic? How to honor his orientation and her feelings?
I've also seen at least one miserable marriage, sometimes abusive, and cheating was a stepping-stone toward the door. I'm thinking of my own parents. I was 10 or so, they sat me down, explained they had each had an affair, said they were getting divorced. And I was relieved. Sadly, they ended up staying married. Anyway, there can be a lot of complexity inside committed relationships, marriage included, and maybe a 'mile in their shoes' approach is fitting in some cases. To be clear, I'm not talking about the married guy who claims to love his wife, hits on single or polyam people, just looking to get his rocks off. I feel no love for that dick.
One more quick thought: I hear 'triad' and 'throuple', and I cringe a little. I'm not sure why. I like 'trio' and 'quartet' and 'quintet'. Musical language feels softer in my ear, and can scale-up.
Many many thanks for sharing so much of yourself with others.
Great article! And fun fact: Martin Luther of the Protestant Reformation said, "I cannot in good conscience prohibit polygamy, for the Bible itself does not. " This applies to other form of polyam too, Luther was being asked specifically about polygamy when he uttered the quote. First encountering this quote sent me to research the scripture for all passages which could support or denounce this claim. Ultimately, I found him to be correct. I did not know the impact this would have on my life until about a decade later, when my wife and I wound up discussing polyamory further. She wanted to date a high school crush who reentered her life, and I my best female friend. Now we have a sort of chain for a polycule!
It’s been a help reading your content and I have struggled immensely with these thoughts and feelings I cannot shake. I spend time in my Bible almost every day, I pray and grew up in church. My belief system has evolved over time and I have found that I truly love other people outside of my marriage to my husband. I have been unfaithful and he knows and we are trying to work through things. I long for the freedom to have relationships outside of my marriage. I find a great deal of happiness being friends or lovers with others. And I do not wish to live a lie. I absolutely hate lying…it rips me apart. But I feel very confined and caged in my current state, have been doing a lot of self work, healing, and learning to love myself and try not to judge others or myself for that matter (as I have in the past). I’ve grown up with a lot of shame even when I did nothing to deserve it. But I find that living a lie is too much for me. I’m an artist and want to be able to express myself through my art but have felt stifled by my fundamentalist upbringing. My husband is a bit jealous and that’s okay but also possessive. I do not wish to be like an object and possess and I don’t want to have those feelings towards someone else. I do want meaningful connections with others, not just random sex, in this realm. But I’m scared as hell to bring up this subject to him. We do have a couple friend who is polyamorous and we will be hanging out with them tonight. Although we haven’t discussed the idea of opening up our marriage I’m hoping that being around them might open our eyes a little to this lifestyle, it’s pros and cons, and maybe I can open the discussion with him, and explore this option. We have two kids, who I’m very open with and they are amazing. And coming across your articles has been a God send to say the least. I’ve always felt that if something was a mutual agreement between two people then it should be okay. And I’ve also been outspoken about issues in the church I don’t agree with or feel don’t align with scripture. So I’m not naive to what might be thrown at me but it’s damn scary entering this space, when you been taught differently your whole life, but in the meantime see many of your church friends and family getting divorces and remarried…is this just another form of polyamory being masked by what is considered acceptable?
This has been so helpful for me. Thank you. I am new to this and just started dating so it’s all new. It’s so good to have this site. Thank you
Thanks for publishing this. Beautifully written!
If a horny man and his horny bisexual wife want a woman to share and the sex is probably the primary factor in that, what would be wrong with that if the third woman wants it too? I'm sure there are plenty of bi women who would like that. If there's no deception or misleading going on, why is it inherently disrespectful to seek sexual satisfaction with someone while they're seeking the same from you ("mutual benefit)? Personally, I like relationships that could be great and seem worth sustaining whether they only involved sex OR included no sex--that's how you know you're a great match all-around. But of course sex will be an important aspect of the relationship.
Hi Jennifer. Thank you so much for your courage and candor. It can't be easy to share this hard-earned knowledge, especially the missteps during dating and the pain around break-ups. I found the part about STIs to be particularly helpful. I like the way you sum-up a range of risks and a spectrum of precautions, and depending on the tolerances, priorities and preferences of all concerned, there can be different approaches between partners and still a sense of fairness.
I'm a recovering Roman Catholic, and I've struggled mightily with some of the tough questions associated with multi-person romantic relations, especially when bisexual feelings arise. Your anti-adultery advice is well-taken, a good starting proposition: don't do it, don't risk hurting a spouse you claim to love. At the same time, I've seen a tense situation up-close, where a married male friend wanted to 'try a guy', he talked to his wife, she wasn't cool with it, and he felt torn in two. Was she being homophobic? How to honor his orientation and her feelings?
I've also seen at least one miserable marriage, sometimes abusive, and cheating was a stepping-stone toward the door. I'm thinking of my own parents. I was 10 or so, they sat me down, explained they had each had an affair, said they were getting divorced. And I was relieved. Sadly, they ended up staying married. Anyway, there can be a lot of complexity inside committed relationships, marriage included, and maybe a 'mile in their shoes' approach is fitting in some cases. To be clear, I'm not talking about the married guy who claims to love his wife, hits on single or polyam people, just looking to get his rocks off. I feel no love for that dick.
One more quick thought: I hear 'triad' and 'throuple', and I cringe a little. I'm not sure why. I like 'trio' and 'quartet' and 'quintet'. Musical language feels softer in my ear, and can scale-up.
Many many thanks for sharing so much of yourself with others.