So You Want To Explore Non-Monogamy, But You're Religious And Married

The transition away from rigid, structured monogamy found in Christianity can be difficult... but it can be done.

Photo created by katemangostar via www.freepik.com

I stay away from a lot of what I’d call “beginner” polyamory topics. There are a million way bigger polyamory-centric accounts out there discussing the same subjects over and over again about how to “get started” in non-monogamy, a million articles about “opening up your marriage” or whatever. Please, after you read this, Google all of that stuff if you’re interested in it!

Obviously, polyamory is a major part of my life; I live with both of my partners. I’ve been careful, perhaps TOO careful, in being unwilling to feel like I curate my account around polyamory because while I enjoy talking about it and being about it, I don’t necessarily like to be defined by this one aspect of my life alone. I’m not just polyamorous. I’m a mom, a Christian, a dirtbag, a leftist, a writer, a baker, an editor, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a partner, a southerner, a novice yogi, a forager, a gardener, a fan of various books, shows, music, and movies — the list goes on and on.

But, despite of this, I do get a lot of requests from the same type of people, over and over again, asking for advice on this very topic: how to approach polyamory with a spouse when you’re married. And usually, these are religious people, some of them still stuck in fundamentalist Christianity and “traditional” male-female cishetero monogamous marriages, having believed any other relationship structure is invalid in their religion. So, after being urged to discuss this by one of my favorite people who I respect highly, I’m here to write about that very topic: how to open up your marriage when you’re from a conservative Christian background. After all, I wasn’t born woke. I was engaged at 19, a year after meeting my legal spouse, and married at 20, and had two kids before age 25. I approached polyamory from the same exact level. I was a married monogamous Christian (and a parent!) who just wanted to “open up” her marriage after falling away from the conservative theology I had been raised with. But, full disclosure: I am not an expert. My only degree is in journalism. I’m just a Christian who happens to be polyamorous. So, here goes:

1. Deconstruct. If you still hold fundamentalist beliefs, attend fundamentalist churches, belong exclusively to a fundamentalist community, or are part of a fundamentalist marriage where one or both of you have no interest in challenging your beliefs, do not explore non-monogamy. Even if you decide to keep it secret. It’s not fair to potential partners and hookups. It’s going to make you feel crazy to experience such duality. It’s not fair for you to give yourself a pass on this one issue of so-called “sin” while ignoring the issues of justice for others — attending churches where people call homosexuality a sin while you hook up outside of your marriage. Don’t fucking do this. It’s not fair to anyone and it’s not fair to yourself. Purity culture is and was a bitch, and you gotta get over it all first. You can read books about deconstructing, find an LGBT-friendly church, and start figuring out how to join in on activism for others that the white evangelical church has harmed, like gay people, trans people, and all BIPOC in America — and outside of it. To me, these issues are way more important than your (our) desire to have sex and/or relationships with multiple people, and this goes hand-in-hand with deconstructing from toxic religious and political beliefs. (And yes, even changing your beliefs and leaving your church will likely cause friction in your relationships with other fundamentalists in your life, which you should be prepared for.) If you are willing to explore deconstructing from conservative Christianity, but your spouse isn’t, non-monogamy almost certainly will not work for you, even if they seem okay with non-monogamy in and of itself. I understand divorce is still taboo in these communities as well, but if you’re serious about pursuing non-monogamy, it’s not going to work if one part of the couple is unwilling to examine strongly held beliefs on sin and sexuality in the first place. You may be in a position where you have to choose your spouse or non-monogamy. That’s a big, life-changing decision, and not one I have had to make. So, proceed cautiously.

2. Decide what it is you want. Why do you want to explore non-monogamy? Do you struggle with attractions to others? Are you bisexual and you feel you’ve never been able to fully explore fantasies related to your attraction to the same gender or other genders outside the binary? Do you fall in love with other people? There’s a wide umbrella in the world of non-monogamy. It includes everything from fundamentalist polygamy with one husband and multiple wives (don’t ask me advice on that sort of patriarchal bullshit, but I do think they deserve rights also) to swinging with other couples to “open relationships” that are sexual in nature but involve each party pursuing it separately to full-on polyamory with multiple relationships with multiple people, which is what I practice. And then there is, of course, the sort of polyamory where a couple seeks to become a triad or a throuple, almost always seeking a bisexual female to complete their relationship — which is often derided and called unicorn hunting.* But, no matter what you think you want now, be prepared for your feelings to change. Even when I began exploring non-monogamy, I never thought I’d be openly living with two partners as part of my lifelong family. I just thought maybe I’d casually date other people who were also polyamorous with other primary partners. Obviously, my expectations — and my spouse’s expectations — adapted to the reality of what I began to experience. Communication and honesty during these periods of adaptation were constant.

   • A note on unicorn hunting: if the only thing you and your spouse want to pursue is a FFM threesome with a bisexual woman for sexual reasons only, and you aren’t interested in any sort of relationship with them, consider hiring a sex worker. I’m not kidding. It’s a lot more respectful, and you are going to have a difficult time finding someone who wants to have sex with both of you together, anyway. I say this as someone who has looked for (and found) a bisexual female for a tryst with one of my male partners, and as someone who has been the bisexual female for another male-female couple. It has to work out, it has to involve full and affirmative consent, it has to be respectful of all three parties, and it has to involve honest and open communication for what everyone’s expectations are right off the bat. If you’re just interested in fulfilling a one-time sexual fantasy, a sex worker may be an easier solution, but of course, this is illegal — so be wary. But regardless, do not treat other people like objects for your sexual fantasies. Every person is worthy of respect and honesty in all your pursuits. Do not fetishize human beings for your own benefit. Make sure everyone is upfront and on board in whatever it is that you decide you want to pursue.

3. Talk to your spouse. There is nothing I hate more than getting a message from some married monogamous guy who wants to explore non-monogamy but hasn’t talked to his wife. And yes, I’m using gendered language here because so far, it has ALWAYS been the husband. If you cannot talk to your spouse about your feelings, you absolutely do not have the levels of honesty or communication needed for a healthy non-monogamous relationship, period, because that’s what you need. Trust me, I know it is HARD to tell your monogamous spouse — who you promised in a Christian church to forsake all others for — that you still have feelings of desire and passion and romance for other people and want to explore them. This is part of why I think it’s SO important for the first step of all of this to be to deconstruct from fundamentalist Christianity. You both need to be on the same page as far as these things go, otherwise you won’t be able to escape the cognitive dissonance of your own hypocrisy. But, be prepared for the worst outcome. Your spouse may be extremely hurt and might be firmly unwilling to pursue non-monogamy with you, because after all, when you got married you agreed on monogamy. When you approach the subject, be gentle, be kind, but be honest. Lying about your own desires helps nobody. Are you willing to be monogamous for the rest of your life if your spouse is a firm no? Infidelity and adultery are NOT answers. If you have cheated before in part due to non-monogamous feelings, that needs to end immediately. Divorce to pursue non-monogamy is a better option than cheating and lying to someone you claim to love. You must be able to fully talk about this, openly and honestly. There are support groups online for coming out as polyamorous (the More Than Two guy is highly problematic but his book and this list of resources is super helpful for beginners) and talking in front of a polyamory-friendly (or at least LGBTQ-friendly) therapist may also help. Do NOT try to force your spouse into non-monogamy or polyamory, either. The resentment and hurt from this will almost certainly cause irreparable damage to your relationship. Not everyone is meant to be polyamorous. Some mono-poly relationships do exist successfully, but it’s hard. At the end of the day, you have to decide what you want your future love life to look like, but you can’t force another person to give up their own autonomy or feelings in pursuit of that.

4. Are you a parent? It may feel even more complicated. If you come from fundamentalist Christianity and you are married, there is an even likelier chance that you are a parent than the average person. And having kids is often a deterrent for monogamous couples to openly explore non-monogamy. But it shouldn’t be. If you are ashamed to explore non-monogamy because you don’t think it’s appropriate for children or parents, you have NOT fully deconstructed your feelings on purity culture. There is nothing in polyamory that is unsafe for children. Monogamous, married couples don’t have sex in front of their children or tell their children about their sex lives. Obviously, polyamorous people don’t either. My children meet partners who are serious. We express appropriate levels of affection with our partners in front of them. They do not meet more “casual” partners, or if they do, it’s in a group setting like a party or something and that person is introduced as a friend. They are 8 and 10, but they understand the differences between monogamy and polyamory now, they love all three of their parents, understand we have an unusual family, and generally don’t care at all about sex or romance in any capacity themselves so far, despite having received age-appropriate sex education on it. It’s true that it can be painful when a beloved adult leaves their life as a relationship ends, but it’s no different than a single parent dating and breaking up with someone or maybe even moving away from other trusted/beloved adults for a new job. Many of my friends’ past partners work hard to maintain contact with that person’s biological children even after the relationship ends. (I also recommend therapy for children if needed/accessible!) If you and your partner intend on exploring more of an open relationship and maintain a primary relationship with each other only, you don’t have to tell your kids anything if it doesn’t directly affect them and they’ll never meet your other partners. It is my humble but strongly held opinion that more children should be exposed to non-monogamy as a way to normalize it. Some people are straight, some people are gay, some people are monogamous, some people are polyamorous. By making it secretive, you’re making it shameful. There’s a great children’s book called A Color Named Love about kids with polyamorous parents. I highly recommend it.

   • If you are a divorced parent, and especially if your children’s other parent is still stuck in fundamentalist culture, being “open” can be scary and could even threaten your custody arrangements, depending on how cruel your ex-spouse can be. I have not found polyamory to be any sort of persecuted class except in issues of divorce and custody over children. Again, I don’t have experience with this at all, but if you believe a petty ex-spouse will try to take away your children if you come out as polyamorous to them, it may indeed be better to keep it a secret. If worse comes to worst, you can get a polyamory-friendly lawyer — but the laws vary greatly state-by-state. This is a great primer.

5. Take it slow. So, you and your spouse are on board for non-monogamy. You’ve deconstructed from purity culture and fundamentalist views on sexuality. You’ve decided how you want to approach it with your kids, and you both know what it is you want to pursue in non-monogamy. Now what? Jump in with both feet? No, don’t do it! Trust me on this! Take things slowly. Because I initiated the polyamory conversation, my spouse was the first one to go on a date outside of the marriage, and the first one to kiss someone else, etc., so that he could see how he felt about it. He was honest with his first partner from the get-go, and we checked in with each other each step of the way. It will, and should, take adjusting to go from strict monogamy in a marriage built on fundamentalist ideals to full-on polyamory. Your hormones and thoughts might be racing, but you should take a step back. Again, if you can afford it, I recommend therapy during this time — this is what my spouse and I did. I also recommend joining polyamory groups wherever you can find them, online, and in real life. Google “polyamory groups near me.” Read all the books you can. The more you educate yourself, the better. I really like Poly Philia, a resource run by a queer non-binary PoC.

6. Sexually transmitted infections and safe sex. Another thing that those of us raised in purity culture may not have had a lot of is sex education, especially when it comes to safe sex. Did you know that I refused to get the HPV vaccine when offered it at age 19 because I told them I would be married and monogamous my whole life? Hah! Well, luckily you can get that until you’re 35 now. The running advice from sex experts with new or multiple partners is to wear condoms for all penetration and oral sex with a penis, use dental dams for all oral sex with a vagina, and use gloves for various forms of manual stimulation (I’m aware all these words aren’t very hot or sexy, but you have to think of these things.) Then, you should get fully tested for STIs every three months while you are sexually active. There’s also the PrEP pill specifically to avoid HIV, especially for people who intend to have penetrative anal sex often and are at greater risk of contracting it. Now, in actuality? Not everyone follows all that advice, but since you’re already married and presumably having unprotected sex with your spouse, you NEED to think about this stuff. There are no STI panel tests for HPV — the only way you find out is through a Pap smear if you have a cervix; there’s no HPV test for people with penises. Occasionally, basic STI tests don’t test for herpes or hepatitis, so I always tell the doctor that I am polyamorous and would like a full STI/STD panel and that means I do pay out of pocket for it, at least partially. And you MUST be honest with your partners. If you do have an STI, there’s nothing shameful about it, but you need to be upfront before you have any sexual contact with them. There are ways to minimize transmission of STIs, such as antiviral medications for herpes. The STI rules also may have an effect you don’t realize. I have two primary partners. Who do I have unprotected sex with, and who do I not? Well, in my case, I have unprotected sex with both partners. I do not have unprotected penetration with any other potential partners, and neither do they. We had to agree on this to keep ourselves safe, but I didn’t want to have protected sex with one primary partner and unprotected sex with the other primary partner, because it still feels like an air of favoritism, right? We don’t have sex with partners who haven’t had an STI test. I’m lax on barriers for oral sex and manual sex for casual partners who don’t have STIs, but that still raises my risk and thus the risk for my primary partners catching STIs. It’s an informed decision I’ve made, and I am honest about it with partners. I also don’t have casual sex very often at all, because I am not interested in raising the risk for my other partners. When I do have sex outside of my main vee relationship, I get STI tests and ask about the other person’s STI status. Not every three months, but it’s at least twice a year. Oh — and I’m sterilized and so is my husband, all to avoid pregnancy because we do not want another child. My other partner uses two forms of protection when having penetrative sex with others. Whatever you decide in regard to STI prevention and safe sex, read up from CDC (not here! I am just sharing my honest truth and experience!) and be honest and open with ALL partners and potential partners about it. And get tested before each new partner! And don’t shame people with STIs!

7. Dating is hard. So, I did really well with coming out to my spouse, taking it slow, talking to my kids, and maintaining honesty and communication in my marriage when I started exploring polyamory. But do you know my number one, biggest fuckup? The actual dating of other people. Other than Daniel, I hadn’t dated ANYONE else since high school. I had almost zero relationship experience outside of my marriage. So I had zero idea how to approach other relationships, and my first serious relationship outside of my marriage was hard with lots of rookie mistakes. He was a good person, so we managed to still be friends… but romantically, it was nothing short of a disaster. I struggled greatly with my expectations of what dating in polyamory should be, and argued a lot because of it. In another serious relationship, I accepted behavior that I didn’t like because I wanted the relationship to work out. In another serious relationship, I didn’t even like the person as much as I thought and we ended up having serious ideological differences but I had overlooked them because we had “polyamorous parent” in common. I’ve had sex with people I didn’t want to have sex with, just to “be polyamorous.” I’ve made infinitely more mistakes in dating other people than I have in my marriage. Other people in their 30s might say “uh, duh? You should have broken up with them! You clearly weren’t a match for each other! You should have done this or that instead!” but I didn’t fucking know, because I got married to a man I met at age 18 and never dated anyone outside of it. I bet a lot of other former fundies have the same story, too. So, read general dating advice. Set personal boundaries for yourself. Get feedback from friends or online forums. If the relationship feels toxic, get out or seek counseling. The advice doesn’t even have to be polyamory-specific. I went through multiple forms of therapy in the first few years of polyamory to address issues relating to BPD and depression, and it -greatly- helped in my relationships outside of my marriage, and even my marriage itself. You have to work on yourself to have successful relationships with others, even if it’s been working out okay in your marriage. (And fixing your own issues will only help your marriage — it happened to me!)

8. Breakups are hard too. Also, because I’d pretty much only dated my husband and I never expected my high school relationships to lead to marriage, I’d never really experienced “real” breakups before, and let me tell you, they are not pretty. I’ve been through it several times now, and it has never ceased to be the single most painful thing about being polyamorous. People assume the worst part of polyamory is jealousy, but honestly I don’t struggle with a lot of jealousy at all. My biggest struggles have been, by far, dealing with the loss of relationships. When you become polyamorous, you open yourself to more love — but with that love is more risk. I don’t want to sugarcoat that for ex-fundie married couples who, like me, might not have had a lot of dating experience. It sucks. Have a healthy and loving support system to deal with getting dumped or having to dump someone else. The chances of it happening while you’re polyamorous are close to 100%.

9. Deal with jealousy. As I stated, I don’t really struggle with jealousy in polyamory in the way that other people assume. I don’t feel possessive of my partners, I feel secure in my relationships with them, and I want them to find love and fulfillment outside of me if that’s what they desire, and they want that for me, too. (Note: even if you’re monogamous, you should support your partner’s goals and friendships outside of your relationship!) But I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with jealousy. It’s just an emotion, and emotions are okay to have, and having an emotion helps you deal with underlying issues causing that emotion. When you become jealous, you need to ask yourself: what am I missing here? What do I need from my partner/spouse that they are not giving to me, but perhaps are giving to other people? If you are jealous that your spouse has been going on dates, but you haven’t, then ask your spouse to take you on more dates and spend more quality time with you. Ask for what you need. Again: totally honest and open communication. Always. And don’t forget that you are under no obligation to be friends with your metamours, or your partner’s partners.

10. Don’t let your life revolve around non-monogamy. My relationships with my partners are some of the most fulfilling aspects of my life, incredibly validating and wonderful on every level. But my therapist once told me I had to have a life outside of polyamory, and she’s right. I focus heavily on my kids, their activities, baking, my job, my work at Olney Magazine, and even this blog. I prioritize reading, gaming, watching TV, and yoga. Recently, I have shifted to focus on my platonic friendships too, because I sincerely think that’s missing from my life. There’s also something in polyamory called New Relationship Energy (NRE) which refers to the obsessive, yummy, good feelings you get when you first start dating someone and it’s going really well so you want to spend all your time with them. When you’re experiencing NRE with a new partner, you should stop and focus more on your established partners so that you don’t get carried away. I haven’t been in a new relationship in quite some time, but I always try to balance those emotions, which is often difficult as someone with borderline personality disorder, but it’s not unmanageable. Non-monogamy can be part of your life, but it shouldn’t be your life. Your other family members, friends, obligations, and interests matter too.

11. Come out! If you or your spouse find yourselves in an established relationship or two outside of your marriage, the next steps would be, if you’re comfortable, to come out. Coming out to religious family is hard, but I’ve put together a guide here. I also recommend coming out at church if you took my advice and started going to an LGBTQ-friendly church! There are definitely other non-monogamous Christians out there, but many of them feel shamed or private about it. The United Church of Christ, which I belong to, recently announced that they are exploring non-monogamy and faith as part of their church’s care and curriculum so that pastors can better serve their non-monogamous laypeople — and so the pastors themselves can feel free to come out as well!

12. Expect pushback. There is nothing new about non-monogamy, but it’s still quite rare, especially being open about it. I wasn’t surprised to get pushback on it from religious relatives but I was surprised to get judgment from secular, “liberal” friends who feigned concern for my children and mental health, despite them (and me) being happier and more stable than ever. Just be yourself and be honest and answer questions if you feel like you can. You don’t have to justify your romantic relationships to anyone, but talking about it openly helps to normalize it.

If you have specific concerns I haven’t addressed here, I can help you to the best of my ability — but I am not a counselor, a lawyer, a medical expert, a perfect Christian, a perfect partner, or a perfect mother, so please keep all of that in mind. And don’t ask me ANY advice if you don’t want the answer to be “leave him/her/them” in specific circumstances. I am not the one!

Remember: you CAN be non-monogamous and still be a Christian. My relationship structure and sexual preferences have absolutely nothing to do with my faith in a God or desire for a Christian lifestyle. A “Christian lifestyle” isn’t about cisheteronormative monogamy. It’s about overthrowing the tables of injustice and liberating a broken world in the name of someone who was executed by a corrupt imperialist state. It’s about being the hands and feet of God on our short time on Earth. You don’t have to choose between your faith and consensual sex life, and there’s nothing wrong with you for being attracted to or falling in love with multiple people. I kept my family AND my faith intact after deconstructing from evangelicalism and pursuing polyamory. I can’t promise that you will, too, but I can say that for me, it was worth it to do so. I love my husband, I love my partner, I love my kids, I love sex, and I love my church. I refuse to have all my loves be at odds with each other.