You Don't Need a Reason to Want or Demand Monogamy

No, you don't even have to "try" it if you don't want to.

Image via Flickr

I love non-monogamy. Not only do I get to fall in love with people and explore romantic and sexual feelings without guilt or expectations, but I also get a framework through which I view all of my relationships: with pure autonomy for all involved. It helps me define and redefine family, and even my friendships with other non-monogamous people seem more fulfilling and deeper as a result of this shared belief, even without romance or sex attached to it.

Non-monogamy, or for me, polyamory specifically, was an “aha!” moment in my brain about who I was and had always been. The memories of playing with Barbies who had multiple partners with Kens/other Barbies, the magnetic connections I felt with multiple people at once, the “narrowing down” of crushes and partners in an attempt to find “the one” but ignoring my own feelings in the meantime… discovering that aspect of myself was both liberating and exhilarating.

A lot of people who reach out to me or read my blog are interested in trying out polyamory. I understand the curiosity — those of us raised in purity culture with repressed sexualities often wonder what they’ve missed out on, especially if they’re already married… and maybe married to the only person they’ve ever been with. If you’re in a straight-facing relationship, married, and discover that you’re queer or bisexual, it can feel like you’ve missed out on a vital part of your sexuality. Your heterosexual marriage can seem boring as you see more and more polyamorous and/or LGBTQ people exploring their sexualities after deconstructing their conservative religious beliefs or just coming out of the closet.

And worst of all, if you’re already married or partnered, your spouse may or may not share that curiosity. As you may know, mine did — and that was both rare and lucky. Had he not, I’m not sure what would have happened in our marriage. I can’t give answers to situations I’ve never been in. But I do know one thing: you don’t have to prove that you’re queer, woke, or liberated. You can choose monogamy. You can demand it from your partners. Not that you need my permission, but it’s your life, and like me — you don’t owe anyone a damn thing when it comes to the relationship that makes you personally happy.