What Is Solo Polyamory?
Guest post from Anna at ENM Living
Note from Jennifer: I am so grateful to share this post on solo polyamory from Anna at ENM Living. Her content is incredibly helpful for anyone hoping to live an authentically, ethically non-monogamous life from multiple perspectives and so many types of non-monogamy. I’m also excited to have a post-swap with her and a brand-new post on the beginning steps for a newly polyamorous Christian on her website soon. As I’ve never been a solo polyamorist, I’m so happy that my readers now have access to this kind of content and expertise. Please follow her website:
What is Solo Polyamory?
When people think of relationships, they often envision traditional pairings with set milestones—dating, moving in, marriage, and beyond.
These milestones are often expected, creating a clear roadmap for how relationships are meant to unfold.
But what if you could embrace meaningful connections without following this well-worn path?
That’s where solo polyamory comes in.
This relationship style prioritizes personal autonomy while allowing for multiple romantic or sexual connections.
Solo polyamory challenges conventional relationship structures by encouraging independence and flexibility.
It offers the freedom to form connections on your own terms, without the constraints of traditional norms.
Let’s explore what solo polyamory is, how it works, and why it’s an empowering choice for those who value both independence and connection.
Exploring Solo Polyamory as a Relationship Style
Solo polyamory challenges conventional ideas about relationships.
It moves beyond the typical pair bonding that many people assume is the only path to fulfilling relationships.
At its core, it’s about combining the principles of polyamory—engaging in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships ethically—with a commitment to maintaining individual independence.
This creates a dynamic that allows for freedom and connection, without being bound to traditional couple-centric models.
Some might find the idea contradictory: How can someone have meaningful relationships while prioritizing their autonomy?
It seems that one might have to choose between independence and connection.
But for those who practice solo polyamory, these two values complement each other.
They create a dynamic that feels authentic and fulfilling, where relationships are based on mutual respect and personal freedom.
Instead of being forced to fit relationships into a one-size-fits-all model, solo polyamorists create something more tailored to their needs and values.
Defining Solo Polyamory
To understand solo polyamory, it’s helpful to start with polyamory itself.
Polyamory involves having multiple romantic or sexual relationships simultaneously.
Each relationship occurs with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Solo polyamory takes this concept a step further.
Practitioners of solo polyamory intentionally avoid traditional couple-based structures.
This means avoiding expectations like living together or merging finances.
Instead, solo polyamorists prioritize self-determination.
They view themselves as independent individuals—whether or not they’re in relationships.
For them, autonomy is key to living a fulfilling and authentic life.
Key Characteristics of Solo Polyamory
Solo polyamory has several defining traits that set it apart from other relationship styles.
Let’s explore these key characteristics.
Personal Independence
Solo polyamorists place a strong emphasis on autonomy.
They make choices that honor their individual needs and goals.
For them, relationships are an addition to their life, not the central focus.
This mindset allows them to thrive as individuals, while still maintaining meaningful connections.
Avoidance of the "Relationship Escalator"
In traditional relationships, there’s often an expected progression.
This typically includes dating, exclusivity, cohabitation, and eventually marriage or commitment.
Solo polyamory rejects this trajectory altogether.
It embraces non-traditional ways of relating.
Rather than following a prescribed path, solo polyamory allows for fluid and individualized connections.
Multiple Meaningful Connections
Solo polyamorists may have multiple relationships, but these connections aren’t necessarily ranked in terms of importance.
Each relationship is treated as unique, valuable, and non-hierarchical.
There’s no inherent value judgment placed on one relationship over another.
This allows for deeper, more authentic connections with multiple partners.
Distinction From Being Single
It’s easy to confuse solo polyamory with simply being single, but there are key differences.
Solo polyamory isn’t about being unattached.
Instead, it’s about actively engaging in multiple relationships while maintaining autonomy.
Solo polyamorists make an intentional choice to structure their relationships outside the confines of traditional norms.
By contrast, being single often implies a lack of romantic or sexual connections.
Or, it can mean waiting for “the one” to come along.
Solo polyamory, on the other hand, celebrates the connections already in one’s life.
It doesn’t come with the expectation of finding a singular partner but instead values multiple connections as they naturally evolve.
Benefits and Challenges of Solo Polyamory
Like any relationship style, solo polyamory has its advantages and challenges.
Benefits
Freedom to Focus on Yourself
Solo polyamorists enjoy the freedom to prioritize personal goals, passions, and self-care.
They can pursue their own interests and well-being without compromising their independence.
Diverse Emotional Support
Having multiple relationships means accessing varied perspectives and support systems.
This can lead to emotional fulfillment and resilience, as each relationship brings different strengths and insights.
Tailored Dynamics
Relationships in solo polyamory are crafted to fit the needs of everyone involved.
They’re free from societal expectations or rigid structures.
Instead, the focus is on creating dynamics that reflect the unique needs of each person.
Challenges
Societal Misconceptions
Many people struggle to understand or accept non-traditional relationships.
This can lead to judgment or misunderstandings.
People in solo polyamory may face questions or negative assumptions about their lifestyle.
Managing Multiple Relationships
Balancing time, communication, and emotional energy can be complex.
Solo polyamory requires careful attention to ensure that each relationship is nurtured and maintained.
Establishing Boundaries
It’s crucial to maintain clarity about expectations and needs within each relationship.
Effective communication and healthy boundaries are essential for the success of any solo polyamorous dynamic.
Conclusion
Solo polyamory is a valid and enriching relationship style for those who value independence while cherishing meaningful connections.
By prioritizing autonomy and rejecting societal norms, solo polyamorists create dynamic relationships that align with their personal values.
For some, solo polyamory might feel unconventional or even challenging.
But for others, it’s a way to live authentically, blending personal freedom with the joys of connection.
Does this sound like the relationship style for you?
Only you can decide.
But whatever path you choose, know that honoring your values and needs is always the best choice.
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I was solo-poly till I decided during lock-down to get married. The pandemic has a lot to answer for 😂 For me it was about enjoying multiple connections and not requiring any escalation to happen as part of those relationships.
Thank you for breaking down Solopolyamory. I think what you’ve described actually aligns more with Relationship Anarchy than Solopolyamory. While the two share a lot of similarities, people in the Solopoly community often emphasize key distinctions.
Solopoly folks treat their relationships as if they are perpetually “single” in a structural sense. They may have multiple connections, but none of them are allowed to become deeply entrenched or traditionally “serious.” For example, many in the Solopoly community avoid cohabitating with partners or establishing long-term, deeply enmeshed commitments. This is seen as a core difference between being “solo” versus being “regular-poly,” where cohabitation and long-term commitments are more common.
To me, Solopoly is about prioritizing yourself as your “primary partner.” If there’s any hierarchy, it’s that you are at the top. Everyone else in your life is secondary, with no one partner taking a “primary” role. This lack of hierarchy is also a central tenet of Relationship Anarchy, but the difference is that Anarchy doesn’t necessarily exclude cohabitation or long-term partnerships. An anarchist approach allows for a wide range of relationship structures, from casual to deeply committed, without assigning “ranking” to those connections. You could live with a partner, have long-term relationships, and still maintain other connections, none of which have veto power over the others.
On the other hand, the Solopoly framework often places restrictions on the depth of relationships with others, which can leave many Solopoly individuals spending significant time alone. Unless someone is regularly engaging in short-term or non-permanent connections, they may find themselves in long stretches of solitude. For some, this is intentional and fulfilling. For others, it can lead to isolation, especially if their desire for community or deeper bonds begins to conflict with their commitment to the solo framework.
Anarchy, by contrast, allows for both independence and interdependence. You can live with others, engage in long-term relationships, and maintain casual connections all without a hierarchical structure. But since “Relationship Anarchy” doesn’t have the same branding or cultural recognition as “polyamory,” people sometimes hesitate to use it as a label. Polyamory inherently implies “many loves,” while Anarchy encompasses a broader range of interactions, including casual or non-romantic connections. This could explain why some people gravitate toward Solopoly, as it guarantees the “love” aspect, even if it often comes with stricter boundaries on cohabitation or relationship entanglement.
Both approaches value autonomy and personal freedom, but I see Anarchy as a more flexible framework. It allows for deeper relationships, cohabitation, and a fuller range of connection styles. Solopoly, as it’s commonly defined, seems more rigid in its avoidance of “entanglement,” which can make it difficult for people who eventually crave more consistent intimacy or long-term companionship.
In summary, while Solopoly and Anarchy overlap in their non-hierarchical values, Solopoly tends to place firmer limits on how “deep” relationships can go, often at the cost of cohabitation or long-term partnership. Anarchy, on the other hand, allows for a wider range of relationships, from one-night stands to lifelong partnerships, as long as no one is seen as having higher priority or control over your autonomy. For me, that makes Relationship Anarchy feel more expansive and adaptable.