Why I'm not having a baby with my non-wedded partner

Sometimes, you just know when your family is complete.

Ty and I at Hot for Pizza in Richmond, VA, circa 2021 (Image by me)

Many of you already know my life story: I began dating my spouse at 18, got engaged at 19, got married at 20, and had two kids by 25. Those “babies” are now 10 and 13. They are officially closer to legal adulthood than to the precious time I spent carrying them within my body. And boy, in some ways, that thought is devastating. Even though I don’t often talk about my children in my attempt to protect their privacy amid my public-facing career as a “polyamorous Christian writer,” being a mother is the most important thing in my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I knew Daniel was “the one” because I had a gut feeling that he’d make a great dad, and I was right. He’s a teacher, after all — but also a man who emulates the best parts of traditional masculinity without all the patriarchal, anti-feminine bullshit.

For the most part, I loved being pregnant. When I was younger, and before I realized how much people hate fat women and women with diagnosed mental health conditions, I considered being a surrogate or something. I felt extremely connected to my body and my own femininity while pregnant, and I enjoyed childbirth (no pain meds!) and breastfeeding especially. I found all of it empowering, which I know is not an experience everyone has or gets to have. Even with minor medical issues for my firstborn (all of which have long been resolved), motherhood made me feel purposeful and blessed.

Conservative evangelicalism sets you up for marriage and parenthood so young. And most evangelicals, unlike more Catholics, Mormons, and strict fundamentalist sects, happily use birth control. Daniel and I both only have one sibling, and our parents knew their financial and mental limits when it came to the number of children. Two children always sounded good to me. So, a few months after we had our second child, Daniel got a vasectomy. At the time, we had no idea we’d ever be anything other than monogamous. Things changed when I got older and started dating other men.