The Monogamous Person's Guide to Etiquette Around Polyamorous People
Just in time for the holidays, you can learn how to make your polyamorous friends comfortable in your home, at work, and online.
Most people are monogamous. Most people are straight. Most people are cisgender. These are all facts, but that doesn’t mean being “average” is terrible. Especially not when you resolve to be an ally to those who are in the minority and marginalized while befriending people who are LGBTQ+ or non-monogamous.
However, even the most well-intentioned people might not know what the hell they’re doing. I didn’t hear the word “gay” until I was in middle school. I didn’t know what polyamory was until I was in my 20s. I was sheltered. And if I wasn’t part of the LGBTQ+ and non-monogamy circles myself, I wouldn’t have even thought of this stuff. So, if you want to be a good host, a good friend, or a good relative, keep reading to see tips and tricks for making all the polyamorous people in your life feel welcome.
Don’t be weird. I’m not one to make hard and fast rules for people’s relationships, friendships, and what they tolerate. My perspective is pretty much that we are all God’s children, and we need more comrades. I’m happy to befriend and welcome people with differing views or lifestyles. As long as you don’t directly offend my ethics, I’m unlikely to call you problematic or anything like that. HOWEVER. As exciting as you think my sex life might be — and what if it is? — please don’t ask me any personal questions that you wouldn’t ask your monogamous married friends. Don’t ask if I’m jealous or “how it works” when asking all your other friends how their holidays are going, what’s happening at work, or if their family is well. We don’t want to be othered for being polyamorous. Now, I’m an open book about those so-called “taboo” questions because that’s the kind of person I am, and I am not easily offended by sincere curiosity due to being from a backward environment myself — but I still want to have those conversations in a one-on-one private setting.
Ask before you invite. It hurts my feelings when people invite Daniel to things but not Ty. However, some instances might be appropriate — for example, a family wedding where they know Daniel but not Ty or vice versa. Besides, there are budgetary concerns. If you invited everyone in my direct polycule (which wouldn’t be possible since many are out-of-town), that’d be seven people total, maybe more depending on how certain things go. There is a big difference in food preparation for seven people versus your typical “plus one” arrangement, right? However, if you know me, you know that Ty and Daniel are both very serious partners of mine and as we all live together, it’s highly noticeable when you leave one of us out. I would much prefer all three of us to be invited. If you have space, ask how many of our partners are coming! If you don’t have room, let US know the maximum number of people you can host, and let us decide who we want to bring.
Don’t give us your opinions on non-monogamy. One of the low-key, most hurtful things people say to me is something along the lines of “Ugh, most polyamorous people are annoying, but you’re all different.” Come on, that sucks to hear. There are plenty of annoying monogamous people (in fact, far more people who think everyone should be monogamous no matter what than people who think everyone should be non-monogamous no matter what!) too, but you’re just projecting your own feelings about polyamory to me. I’m not perfect in life or in polyamory. I’m just a person who got really lucky with good relationships and who worked hard on self-improvement after deconstructing my religion and my marriage. That’s it. Just because you hear horror stories about polyamory and know people who practice it who are annoying doesn’t mean we need to shrink ourselves or hide ourselves or have to be one of the “good ones.” People have flaws! There is no widespread cultural blueprint for modern-day polyamory! People are learning as they go! Be kind!
Presents for all or presents for none. I’ll admit, this is personal to me: some of my conservative relatives (not my parents or in-laws!) get gifts for Daniel and me but not Ty even though he’s literally cleaned the bed/bathroom for them before they stayed at our house or something. When you’re giving away Christmas presents, consider including the person and all their partners who are present. If you don’t have money, go for a group gift like cookies or a gift card. Or don’t exchange any gifts if you’re really hard up. But it’s isolating to see that one partner is seen as “legitimate” while the one who works just as hard to raise a family and take care of me is ignored entirely.
Invite us to stuff around your monogamous friends. Don’t be ashamed of us just because we’re polyamorous. If you’re that bothered by it, let us know so we don’t have to be friends anymore. It’s not fair to try to demand a place in our lives when you don’t want to even accept us the way we are in the first place.
Ask about our partners and our dating life! Okay, I don’t want to talk about private details of my sex life or get asked for the millionth time how I “manage” non-monogamy or why my husband “allows” it. But it’s lovely when people ask about my partners or if I’ve dated anyone new recently. It makes me feel like people are interested in that part of our lives and care about our relationships.
Don’t fetishize us. Just because I’m non-monogamous doesn’t mean I’m going to date you or have sex with you or that you’re going to be invited to group sex. I’m reticent to date or have sex with people who have zero experience with non-monogamy, and I very rarely engage in casual sex. I’m never going to have sex with someone who is partnered, and I cannot actively confirm that they are indeed non-monogamous — I’m not here to help you cheat. But most of the time, I’m entirely in mom mode. Please accept that I have many, many parts to myself. I’m not just doing this for sex and romance. I don’t want to be known as only being polyamorous and nothing else.
Realize and acknowledge that polyamorous people face stigma and even legal issues because of their lifestyle and/or relationship orientation. I’m lucky I’ve never dealt with this: I’m still married to my first husband, Daniel, and our families accept us. I don’t have custody issues, and I’m confident that my children would be raised by Ty if Daniel and I were to die because that’s what our wills say. But I’ve been rejected by publishers and organizations due to being publicly polyamorous, and that sucks. Even other progressive Christians don’t fully accept us all the time. They make assumptions about us, they question our parenting, and they question everything about our motives and intentions.
That’s pretty much it. I think it’s pretty easy to be normal and talk to folks, even if they’re different from you, but I’m realizing that maybe it’s a learned skill after all. I’m grateful for the kindness of people in my life, but I do wish I had more friends sometimes and that monogamous people treated us a little better.
So anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, whatever you celebrate. Consider the ways you can make non-monogamous friends in your life feel welcome. Nobody should have to be ashamed or hide their partners just for the comfort of others. It would hurt you if someone told you they “disagreed” with your marriage and didn’t want to ever be around your spouse, right? It hurts me, too. A little etiquette goes a long way.
I was recently laid off from my job, right before the holidays and the day after Ty and Daniel signed a mortgage for a house we’re closing on in two weeks. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber if you aren’t already one. Or email me with any potential writing gigs or part-time work at nonprofits, media companies, or marketing agencies. I’m an excellent proofreader, editor, and writer. On any topic, not just religion and sexuality and polyamory and theology! I’ve previously written on commerce, sports, lifestyle, gardening, food, travel, feminist issues, entertainment, pop culture, literary reviews, music, and more.
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