The lack of non-monogamy acceptance in progressive churches is a problem
And it's going to stay that way until churches actually address it.
I was writing a longer, separate post (which I may still publish this week) when I came upon this article from Kerlin Richter’s Substack: I Used to Be An Episcopalian Priest.
In this piece, she describes her open marriage, leading to a polyamorous relationship and the birth of a child with three parents, which led to her ousting as a pastor within the Episcopalian church.
For whatever reason, Episcopalians are held as the primary “progressive” alternative for Christians who are looking for a home away from conservative theology. Now, I have many dear Episcopalian friends, including polyamorous ones. But I don’t know any out polyamorous priests or church leaders.
I’m seeing more and more LGBTQ+ Christians come out against non-monogamy. I don’t understand why. I totally understand that polyamory can be seen as a trendy, annoying thing, utilized as a weapon in a failing marriage, or forcing a partner into a situation that they may or may not want.
But how often are people forced into monogamy? How often is it assumed in relationships? I just finished Bridgerton season 3, in which there was a non-monogamy love triangle situation. I was excited by the group sex scenes but disappointed by the conclusion: after the threesomes, the woman wanted to have a “real” committed relationship with Benedict Bridgerton at the end and give up non-monogamy. As someone in two long-term relationships, why do people assume non-monogamy is the non-committal version of a relationship structure? Ugh.
I’m devastated by Kerlin Richter’s experience being a polyamorous Christian priest. My own denomination, the United Church of Christ, hasn’t put any formal statements out (I think they may soon), but they have been generally affirming, and I do know several pastors in UCC churches who are out and open as polyamorous. But there’s work to be done.
Nobody seems to care about the discrimination being faced by polyamorous people in the Christian church. It’s Pride Month, for fuck’s sake. You can argue about whether or not polyamory is queer inherently, but the truth is, we are facing some of the same things faced by LGBTQ+ people:
We are being fired for having multiple partners, and it is legal to do so.
Our consensual, loving relationships are being discredited by Christians as sinful.
Parents (non-biological and biological) are losing access to children in custody and divorce cases when a parent is non-monogamous.
We do not have legal protections for multiple partners.
We are facing discrimination from employers, friends, and family.
We are the butt of jokes in memes and articles across the political spectrum.
The validity of our relationships is discussed like we’re zoo animals, incapable of making our own decisions.
It can be difficult to obtain housing in certain circumstances.
Why do the same Christians parading rainbow gear up and down their corporate pride events in their little “affirming” booths, begging for tithing money and new members to get their dwindling, mainline Protestant numbers up, get to treat us like this? And not just parishioners, but their own priests?
Now is the time to reject purity culture, and I do mean really reject it. Do not tell me the men I love need to be kept “private.” Do not tell me I am failing Christ by loving multiple people. Do not tell me that people like Kerlin Richter deserve to be fired because she chose to be in a Christian church that doesn’t openly affirm non-monogamy. The onus is not on her to change; it’s on the church to change.
If progressive denominations and “liberal” churches do not deal with this soon, they’re going to continue to bleed priests and members. Especially the LGBTQ+ community they claim to love.