The Growing Pains of Deconstructing from Conservative Theology

Becoming "woke" is painful for everyone.

Photo via spunkinator on Flickr

Being polyamorous, I often field questions about my life that are extremely personal and intense and maybe even problematic, especially from religious people. How am I still a Christian? How do my kids react to my polyamory? What does my family think? Does this count as adultery? Is my husband okay with it? And then all the typical questions about jealousy and sex and the like that every polyamorous person faces. And unlike many people, not only do I answer these questions, but I welcome them, being as I have nothing to be ashamed of, and openness and vulnerability are some of the defining features of my life.

Of course, after years of debates on all sides of many issues, I am good at detecting who is having a good faith argument with me and is genuinely interested in having their perspective challenged, and who is just trying to be cruel and judgmental on a personal level in a way that would offend me — i.e., insinuating that I’m hellbound or sinful or doing something wrong or doing something to hurt my children, all with zero proof in their arguments, and just remaining close-minded in their views. I completely, completely ignore the latter. I block them, I unfriend them, I mute them. I have no interest in being someone’s moral and ethical punching bag. I DO have great interest in educating people about the realities of things that define my life, like polyamory and liberation theology.

There are other people, however, who find themselves unable to emotionally handle the triggers of being questioned about their identities, even from people who might be well-meaning. Non-binary people are often hurt by questions about their appearance and their pronouns. Gay people likely have no desire to address the same three Bible verses that are barked at them repeatedly and were used to actively shame them. And BIPOC are often heavily, heavily exhausted at having to constantly address the concerns of white people in how to handle certain subjects, especially when experiencing a rampage of daily racisms in a country that would and does gladly harm them. How do you reach a racist white person who doesn’t believe racism exists in the United States AT ALL, much less get them to address their OWN personal racism? We just watched as Juneteenth was unanimously made a federal holiday while 15 states voted to ban teaching any sort of history about why Juneteenth is such an important holiday in the first place, making it feel like an empty symbolic gesture.

Now, as someone who was raised in conservatism and has left it, I empathize highly with those people out there who, while still unsure about how they feel about certain issues, are willing to discuss it and possibly see a new perspective. Without resources, exposure to lots of progressive people, and folks willing to gently (but thoroughly) challenge me on my preconceived notions of the world, I may have ended up a MAGA hat wearer in 2016. (I really hope not, though — most of my family wasn’t — they’re more “nice” “moderate” “still fascist” GOP supporter types, and disliked Trump not for his policies, but for his rude demeanor. Not sure if that’s better or worse?)

Recently, I joined a group of “spiritual seekers” here in Richmond, and people come from all levels, all backgrounds, and all beliefs, though we are pretty firmly strict on respecting others and being kind, so it tends to be a lot more progressive than not. People are quite open about their thoughts. I’ve come to realize that while I personally don’t mind educating people and fielding questions about my journey, others find it painful to do so. But yet, that’s exactly what it is, right? It’s all a journey. And how is it we should approach that journey?

And I am speaking like some sort of self-deified expert here, right? But I haven’t reached peak “wokeness,” whatever that is. I’m a human being, and I have flaws. Despite being surrounded by LGBTQ people in my life and family, I still often have to practice people’s pronouns in line with my own preconceptions. I mess up and say things that might be flawed or wrong, and I get called out too. I’m getting older, and society progresses on in all directions and I try to go in every single direction with them, but it is always difficult to stay educated on subjects and in identities I don’t belong to. If I fuck up, I try to apologize and internalize that without being defensive, but I admit sometimes it feels difficult and I have certainly taken it personally before. I don’t know. My life carries a lot of privilege with it, and I try to be aware of it all the time, and I think I do okay.

But if I’m honest, I personally find some aspects of the rigid, woke culture rather painful. I understand where it comes from — I grew up in a community in which I now see as highly bigoted. Those people are extremely unsafe for a great majority of the people I know and love now, and they believe very harmful things. But, there are also people who are starting to question things. They’re starting to turn away from more conservative ideology, disgusted by Trump and Trumpism. But maybe they don’t fully understand words like “abrosexuality” or the underpinnings of critical race theory. What do we do? Do we push them away when they accidentally say something problematic? Do we mock them openly online? Or do we put vulnerable and marginalized in the position of having to educate people over and over again?

I don’t think so. I think, in fact, folks like me are well-suited to address this stuff. I’ve fully deconstructed — I’m already living proof of that. I started deconstructing around 2013 and found comfort in my new church by 2016. I am secure in my faith. I am secure in what my political compass is, though I still refuse to join a specific political organization. Regardless, I am happy to tell you what I personally believe about almost any issue, and remain firmly a leftist. I am still learning. I’m secure in my beliefs and my relationships. I’m not afraid of any challenges or arguments; trust me, I’ve heard them all. Am I a good person to talk to deconstructing people, then?

My problem is that I get so emotionally attached to the arguments, not just because I hate how bigoted and cruel people can be (even when they don’t intend to be, but intent isn’t the most important thing in arguments!) but because I constantly feel like HEY, I used to believe that too and HEY, it’s not true and I learned about it and HEY, you should be able to get to the same place that I’m at too! I can come off as mean in arguments, and sometimes when I hear someone spew some dumb bullshit — ironically, the same dumb bullshit I used to believe myself — I am filled with rage. But I hope I have, in passing, helped people see different perspectives, even in my flawed way.

If we are honest, though, changing people’s minds is hard work and it’s not easy. The majority of people on this planet maintain the religious and political beliefs that they are raised with. Beliefs often function as a cultural identity more than something to be critically dissected. Even I am still a Christian, because I was raised as a Christian. Sure, my Christianity is drastically different from the Christianity I was raised with. But if my parents had been atheists, would I even still believe anything at all? Statistically, probably not. Here I am though: a dirtbag, and a leftist, and a Christian.

When I was in high school, new atheism was a large movement. Figures like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens said God was dead and belief in him was totally illogical. Folks in various online communities gathered up arms and followed suit, mocking religious people online nonstop and moping about “sky daddies” and the like. These days, however, the “new atheism” movement is nearly a joke: Dawkins was even formally shunned by a prominent humanist organization for his beliefs regarding trans people and Islamophobia.

This isn’t because people dislike atheism! There are more non-religious people than ever. People dislike /this/ form of atheism. I would say the rise of the non-religious has more to do with how terrible religious people and institutions are, and less to do with the efforts of atheists mocking metaphysical concepts like belief in a higher power. After all, paganism and belief in astrology are more popular now than maybe they’ve ever been.

Maybe methodology of the argument matters. There does need to be a space for deconstructing Christians to ask frank questions that might get them laughed out of the established progressive circles. Many leftists believe that if liberals would only stop mocking the beliefs and customs of these people in the first place, they might be more inclined to be on “our” side. I don’t know about that, but I do think we gotta try to start humanizing them regardless, helping them deconstruct the wrong things evangelical culture taught them, and step away gently if they’re still in a reactionary place. Protecting ourselves is important too.

My heart breaks to hear my parents and extended relatives repeat blatant lies they’ve heard, internalized, and now believe, but I know it’s because they desperately want to hold onto their cultural identity, and sadly, their pre-conceived beliefs about things like race, sex, and gender are tied into that. I hope if I can manage to stay consistent in my humanizing them all, while balancing promoting justice and equality above their feelings (and my own) that I can eventually reach them… and they’re not even actively “deconstructing.” If people actually WANT to learn and help the world be a better place — while actively listening to marginalized voices, and NOT their own — that’s even better. I’m going to try to hold space for people who do want to learn to help reach oppressed peoples, even if it’s a little messy at first.