Reflecting on the Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy
There's so much work left to do. I'm completely disheartened, but ever an optimist.
I don’t pay much attention to special days, months, weeks, or holidays. If it doesn’t net me a day off, a free donut, or a way to cook a special meal for someone, I’m unlikely to acknowledge it. However, I was at Wild Goose Festival last week when Rev. Ogun Holder over at
came to me after my session “From Purity Culture to Polyamory” and said, “Hey, what are you doing for Week for Visibility for Non-Monogamy?” I’d never even heard of it. I was doing nothing.So, he asked me to participate in his podcast, “With Love and Justice For All” which he co-hosts with Rev. Kelly Isola. And of course, I was thrilled. It was a livestream which you can see here if you’re dying to see my annoying little face, or you can listen to the episode here if you don’t want to use Facebook.
We talked about instances in which we knew of progressive, “affirming” churches that explicitly deny the humanity of people in non-monogamous relationships. In fact, just this week, an Episcopalian priest with the word “inclusive” in his Twitter bio said this:
Needless to say, I was pissed. Less so at this individual pastor (PLEASE do not harass him — remember that I am anti-cancel culture, by and large! You can respond to him if you like, but he ignored me and likely muted that tweet) and more that so many other progressive Christians love to pat themselves on the backs for being nice to the token same-sex pastors/congregants in their churches while denying that they, and even non-queer people, may have different ideas of sexuality than their narrow-minded, heteronormative, mononormative concepts.
They’re okay with gay people, as long as they don’t have to think about them fucking. Or daresay, fucking more than one person.
Father Everett went on to say “horny is not an orientation.” He’s obviously never met a polyamorous asexual person. These stereotypes of non-monogamous people exist, and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs at this point. We’re losing ground because nobody cares, and nobody takes non-monogamous people seriously. Yes, among fundamentalists, bigots, and conservatives. But more depressingly, it’s among liberals, progressives, independents, and “affirming” people. Or feminists who think they speak for women like me. Never forget: I initiated.
Too many of you are icked out by people like me. I’m a person who loves my family, focuses on my kids, sings to my pets, plays too many video games, loves making cakes and breads, prefers staying home to going out, goes to church every Sunday, and yes, I also have four sexual partners (currently.) Two I’m in long-term relationships with at this point. One is a woman who had never been with another woman until me. The other is a man who took me out on dates for maybe close to a year before I actually had sex with him for the first time.
Why does that unsettle you? I’m happy. I’m pretty normal — or at least, my weirdness isn’t because of my non-monogamy.
I see so many posts mocking the polyamory influencer type, the stress, the terms, the language, the types of people who tend to seek out non-monogamy… and I’ve been guilty of it, too. But I’m done. There’s too much at stake for non-monogamous people to lose the culture war. Whether it’s “inclusive” churches kicking us to the curb and thinking of us as orgy-ridden party monsters who only want sex, meme accounts that always seem to hate the interests of queer people at any cost without any self-reflection as to the harm that forced monogamy has caused, or just some liberal guy who “knows a couple whose marriage got broken up” or “I could never share my partner,” I’m sick of it all.
People have lost custody over non-monogamy. We have no legal protections for our long-term live-in partners except in four cities in the U.S., as Ogun points out in the podcast above.
That’s why — so many of you, messaging me, asking about non-monogamy, asking about polyamory — I want you to be more visible in your non-monogamy if it’s safe for you to do so. Do something scary. Do something brave. Be part of a culture shift and show your kids (as well as all the queer, non-monogamous kids growing up all around you) that your life isn’t a joke: it’s a loving path that has been denied and shamed for far too long without any good fucking reason.
Puritanism should STAY dead. I don’t care if queer people and kinky people and slutty people weird you out. Deal with your feelings about it. The opposite choice is to destroy that level of freedom and expression and to tear apart non-monogamous families like mine.
I’m proud of my friend
who came out recently as non-monogamous, and I know that it’s a scary step for some people. But I promise, it’s a wonderful path.I’m visibly non-monogamous, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
your face is not annoying!