On Having Sapphic Sex as a Former Evangelical

Occasionally, women come out as bisexual after deconstructing, but have no idea how to have sex with other women. Here's what I've learned.

Image via David Goehring on Flicker

I jokingly refer to myself as a “practicing bisexual.” The biphobic assumptions and dilemmas faced by monogamous bisexual people (especially those who realize their bisexuality after they’ve committed to a partner and may not ever get to experience an actual sexual act with another woman) don’t apply to me. I have sex with men and women, and no, not just as part of some dude’s fantasy threesome. I cherish my solo encounters, perhaps more than group sex at times, and it always means something to me when I'm able to do it.

First of all, I apologize to trans/non-binary readers for any gendered language here. I will be speaking solely about sapphic sex — more specifically, sex between two people who have internal genitalia. I know trans lesbians and trans bisexuals exist and I validate you! But, believe it or not, I don’t have any experience in that regard. If you’re hoping for a more trans-friendly article, I highly suggest this guide to having sex with trans women written specifically for queer cis women. I’ve researched it pretty thoroughly just in case!

While you could also find a million different guides on how to have lesbian (which I will respectfully refer to as “sapphic” going forward since I’m not a lesbian!) sex, a lot of these are aimed toward first-timers, usually monogamous ones, without the nuances of religious trauma and struggles some of us might go through. It’s hard to go from purity culture to polyamory, sure, but it’s also hard to go from purity culture to gay sex. And sapphic sex doesn’t get quite the media hype (though perhaps Chappell Roan will change that?) and as we all know, girl-on-girl porn is usually super unrealistic and geared toward the male gaze.

But since I’ve been so lucky to have so many interesting encounters with women, I wanted to share what I experienced (this may be a little lurid and sexual, so bear with me) and what I’ve learned from a bisexual, polyamorous, exvangelical Christian perspective.