Lindy West’s non-monogamous relationship isn’t about you
And stop throwing around the words “gaslighting” and “abuse” and “coercive relationship” before they have no meaning left.
I was never a huge Lindy West fan. I don’t mean that I disliked her. I’m fat, I’m annoying, I’m loud, I’m opinionated, and I’m a feminist, so we have a lot in common. I even wrote for Jezebel and Gawker, though not at the same time. There’s nothing about her I’ve ever found particularly offensive, and in fact, I watched the first season of Shrill with pleasure. I simply found myself ultimately drawn to more leftist politics in line with my expression of Christianity. I’m more “sickle and hammer” than “I’m with her.” I like trash people and church people and kids and small-town people, and sometimes I feel out of place around a certain class of folks raised in upper-middle-class liberal families who never got to feel that good, old-time religious trauma. I’m a lifelong southerner and whenever I visit NYC I still struggle with figuring out subway routes sometimes. It’s just one of those things that defines you pretty early on.
When she came out as non-monogamous a few years ago, though, I thought, “hey, cool.” For some reason, I assumed this would mean more acceptance of polyamory from the pearl-clutching white liberal feminists (you know, the ones who don’t actually have any radical friends or know any trans people) in the long run.
Boy, was I wrong.
Instead, I’ve been subjected to nonstop insane discourse — mostly against my will, as I have been largely avoiding social media recently to preserve my mental health and energy for my demanding job and other life events that are happening right now.
In the now-famous Slate article, which of course focuses solely on the negatives and comes complete with a clickbait headline —Lindy West’s marriage was broken. Did polyamory fix it? — I knew exactly how it was going to be perceived the moment I read it. The article barely mentioned the book Lindy West was promoting, “Adult Braces.” Sex you can judge other people for is far more interesting and better for the algorithm.
It didn’t matter that her partner told her they were polyamorous the moment they started dating. It didn’t matter that she had been in a successful non-monogamous relationship as a throuple now for years. It didn’t matter that she has stated time and time again that she is happy and fulfilled in this relationship. In these relationships. And it certainly didn’t matter that she’s a whip-smart feminist with a PhD and decades of experience writing about these kinds of issues with a lot of self-awareness.
She was immediately infantilized by the sex-hating, heteronormative, mononormative hordes of white-knighting netizens armed with TikTok-inspired pop-psychology psychobabble who see themselves in any public figure’s personal relationship. I can’t believe I have to say this, but her relationship is not about you. Your negative experiences with shitty men or ill-advised forays into non-monogamy have nothing to do with her. Take some fucking accountability for your own life. You chose to date shitty people, you chose to stay in shitty relationships, and if you tried non-monogamy and it went badly for you, you chose that too. And I’m not pointing fingers here. We’ve all done that. We’ve all been in love and let someone walk all over us. And a lot of us have probably been genuinely coerced into doing things in a relationship that we didn’t want to do.
But Lindy has been here, successfully married for years. She has been successfully non-monogamous for years. She says she’s happy. Why don’t you believe her? Because she struggled with negative feelings? As someone who hasn’t been single since 2006, I hate to say this but… that happens in every long-term serious relationship. It’s not unusual. That doesn’t mean somebody’s being abused or gaslit, holy shit. That means we are human beings dealing with human conflict.
People like to make non-monogamy the biggest modern sex issue here, and resent it for breaking up relationships. That it does do! Lots of people are not into it, but they say they are or pretend they are or try to be and aren’t. People try it and break up.
But there so many other reasons that otherwise happy couples break up because of incompatibility. Is it a power struggle issue if one partner wants to move thousands of miles away for high-paying job, but the lower-paid member of the couple wants to stay close to their family, and they can’t make it work?
Is it abusive when a couple divorces because the man no longer wants to have children after having previously wanted them, and it’s a non-negotiable life goal for his wife?
Is it gaslighting to be unsure if you want to get married or not, so your marriage-minded partner decides to leave?
In these situations, it’s complicated and messy and emotional. But nobody is really the bad guy. People changed their minds on big topics and lose compatibility in relationships that might work out otherwise. In Lindy West’s relationship with Ahamefule Oluo, they were honest about it right from the get-go! And her feelings of discomfort only started when they actually went through with it.
If West had decided at any point to leave her spouse over this, she would’ve been hailed a hero and nobody would blame her. But because she stayed and worked it out, and worse, ended up in a triad with two women, most hated among the monogamous — social media feminists have decided she clearly has no autonomy in the matter here. Fuck that, dude. I don’t care if it reminds you of a bad situation with your ex. This isn’t your relationship to be in. She is a rich lady with a lot of power and wits about her. She is not being held hostage.
Did she have uncomfortable feelings about polyamory? Yes. Was she insecure? Yes. Did she feel possessive? Yes. She was being honest with herself about it then. Why do you presume to think she’s not being honest about it with herself now? Like genuinely, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I haven’t had many negative experiences with Daniel or Ty relating to non-monogamy. I don’t speak for them, but I don’t really feel too jealous or insecure about relationships or liaisons they have found themselves in.
But at nearly 20 years with Daniel and nearly 10 years with Ty, boy have we had some conflict. Chores, money, parenting. And I have like ten mental illnesses, so these have not always been the calmest discussions. I’ve sent rage texts and called names and melted down. This is something I’ve worked on over all the years with lots of success — but outbursts on my end are only rare, not eliminated entirely, as of yet. What Lindy West described coming to terms with her spouse’s non-monogamy seemed less toxic than some of my own feelings and discussions with my partners about why nobody but me seems to notice when the pets’ water bowls are empty, if I’m being completely honest.
Should they leave me over it? Should I leave them? Or should we learn as human beings how to handle conflict in a healthier way — not just conflict in relationships, but conflict with ourselves and what our own desires are? What can we handle? What can we tolerate? What can we learn to live with? What can we learn to love?
If you want to see non-monogamy as inherently coercive, go right ahead. But I promise you’re not doing anyone any favors by destroying what the word “abuse” means down to absolutely nothing more than “having uncomfortable feelings sometimes.”
Conflict is not abuse. Relationship failure is not always a bad thing — but neither is relationship success. And I’d label Lindy West’s relationship as being one. Even if you don’t think it is.